My friend Laura recently wrote a post called 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband that Aren't Offensively Sexist. It was in response to a similar, but seriously offensive, blog post that was going around Pinterest like crazy. Oh Pinterest, how I love and hate thee. The pin linked to a blog post where there was a list of 25 things a wife could do to communicate respect, and as a follow up, 25 things a husband could do to show love.
If I can be perfectly straight here, (And I can because it's my blog. Seriously, my name is even in the title. Take a look.), Laura paraphrases me in another post about these lists and makes me sound a whole lot nicer than I am. Short summary of the original lists: "girls, give up everything to please your husband and just focus on keeping a nice, clean house; guys, don't be too gross or abusive." My actual quote was something along the lines of:
Women's list: submit to his every desire and whim.
Men's list: try to be a decent fucking human being, pretty please?
As a feminist, it is frustrating to still be fighting this thinking. There are over 1,000 comments on the blog post, with a very small percentage doing anything but posting agreement.
Anyway. I thought I'd make a list a things couples can do to show each other love. 25 things is pushing it as I've already been interrupted three times by my darling child while writing these few paragraphs.
 |
| This is a scan. My wedding pre-dates digital photography. I am old. |
1. Step in when your partner is frustrated.
Trey and I "tap out" when our little dude gets the best of us, something is annoying, or maybe things just aren't working out for us. I know if I cry for help he will be there because I will be there too.
2. Listen, even when you'd rather do something else.
I listen to Trey talk about things that bore the crap out of me. *cough* football *cough* cars *cough* music. I try and ask questions to clarify my understanding. I still don't watch the stupid games though. That's pushing it.
3. Put down the phone/computer/tablet and make some eye contact.
I work in my office a lot. When Trey comes in to talk to me I turn my chair completely around so that he knows he has my attention. When I have one of my brilliant ideas he'll put his Fire down and look at me.
4. Do your "unassigned" duties once in a while.
In my house Trey and I have jobs that we have naturally fallen into over the (almost 11 years). He does dishes, I do the laundry. He washes the cars, I clean our room. He mops, I vacuum. I really really love it when he does something that I normally do. It takes that little thing off of me and shows he cares.
5. Find something that really really annoys you and work your hardest to get the hell over it.
Trey sleeps with.his.mouth.open. He breathes all over me and steals my oxygen. It is kind of the most annoying thing in the whole entire world. In our newly married days I would wake him up to tell him how annoying it was and make him roll over. Then we were both pissy. It didn't work. Now I just sigh and roll over. Once I stopped making a big deal out of it, it became less of a big deal.
6. Embrace his/her hobbies.
I sew. A lot. It is my thing. It makes me happy and Trey fully embraces it. He has been known to do a quick fabric/thread/elastic run for me. He doesn't balk at the thought of getting the fabric cut for me or giving his opinion on designs. I truly feel supported in my hobby. I also full support his 3K hobbies as money permits. Dude is into everything. Comics, football cards, woodworking, and Hot Wheels come to mind first. He has many many loves. I helped him organize his cards, searched through racks of Hot Wheels at Target, looked for straight boards at Home Depot, and searched for Dead Pool at the comic book store. This doesn't mean that these are my hobbies, I just support and respect his.
7. Avoid situations where you can't do the right thing.
I can't help but to tell Trey how to drive. It may have something to do with the fact that I taught him to drive (yes we have been together that long) or maybe I need that control. I seriously can't stop myself, so I drive 97% of the time. He doesn't have the verbal diarrhea that comes with me operating a car, so this totally works out for us.
8. Be silly
When we are arguing or the moment is really tense, we have been known to make a joke, stick out our tongues, or say/do something inappropriate. Since we are both 10-years-old at heart, this works to break that tension and generally calm us both down. Even when we aren't arguing we are silly with one another. We are both major geeks and if I can't let my geek flag fly with him, I can't do it with anyone.
9. Find something to share.
Trey and I like different things. I'm not that into music (There I said it, world. I am NOT taking it back.) and he really is. I like reading, he could take it or leave it. I could count the number of movies I've seen in a theater over the last ten years on one hand. We really struggled to find something that we could totally enjoy together. Then we found two: video games and home renovations. We've kicked some ass together in Black Ops team death match, built some sweet stuff in Minecraft, and, if I may go way back for a minute, destroyed Maleficent in Kingdom Hearts I and II. We've also torn apart a kitchen, retiled our living room, and painted more than I care to remember. Being different is really important, but finding things you love together is really special.
10. Don't take lists like this too seriously.
We are all just these weird mammals on this big blue marble. As long as your relationship isn't unhealthy, who cares? Couples truly fascinate me and what works for me, may not even come close to helping you. My sister and her husband rarely fight. Trey and I fight more than I wish we did. We are both happy though. If you are part of one of those weird couples that never fight, seriously, explain to me how that works.
